So you’re now in one of the eight UoL intercollegiate halls. Do you know what the best and most unique thing is about these halls? The fact that we don’t have to cook for ourselves. Do you know what the second best part is? You get to live next to students from other colleges, some of which you never even knew existed....nor do they need to....
There are 31 colleges that make up the University of London. Once you trim off the fat, there’s about 10 colleges that you have probably heard about. Of these, only 4 of them are any good – you know who you are....
To feed your need for college prejudice, here’s a quick summary of 13 UoL colleges. Apologies if your college isn’t listed here – when your college eventually enters a league table, we’ll talk.
College: UCL
Nickname: Godless Scum of Gower Street
What a UCL student will tell you: “We beat Oxford in the 2009 World Rankings. Rah Rah Rah”.
What a UCL student doesn’t want to hear: “So, what Oxbridge college did you get rejected from?”
Typical Student:
College: King’s
Nickname: Strand Polytechnic
What a King’s student will tell you: “We’re not as nerdy as UCL, but at least we have fun”.
What a King’s student doesn’t want to hear: “So when did you find out UCL rejected you?”.
Typical students getting ready for a 9am lecture:
College: SOAS
Nickname: The Marxist Society
What a SOAS student will tell you: “I was gonna go to class, but then I got high”
What a SOAS student doesn’t want to hear: “You’ve been randomly selected for a drug screening...”
Typical Student:
College: LSE
Nickname: The London Stock Exchange
What an LSE student will tell you: “The Beatles were wrong; All you need is money”.
What an LSE student doesn’t want to hear: “So how much of your course is funded by Gaddafi?”
A Typical Lecture at LSE:
College: Imperial
Nickname: The Virgin Megastore
What an Imperial student will tell you: “So you’re in the University of London?” *Scoffs* “You repulse me”.
What an Imperial student doesn’t want to hear: “So what’s your male to female ratio?”.
Typical Student:
College: Royal Holloway
Nickname: The Surrey Cling-ons
What a Royal Holloway student will tell you: “At least our campus looks like Hogwarts...”.
What a Royal Holloway student doesn’t want to hear: “What are you doing in Central London? Are you lost?”.
Typical Student:
College: Queen Mary
Nickname: Eastenders
What a Queen Mary student will tell you: “League tables mean nothing anyway”.
What a Queen Mary student doesn’t want to hear: “You do know that you’re here to study right?”.
Typical Student:
College: Goldsmiths
Nickname: Who?
What a Goldsmiths student will tell you: *nothing insightful*
What a Goldsmiths student doesn’t want to hear: “What’s a Goldsmith?”.
Typical Student:
College: London School of Pharmacy
Nickname: London School of Pushy-Parents
What a London School of Pharmacy student will tell you: “I’m doing this to go into the family business”.
What a London School of Pharmacy student doesn’t want to hear: “So what did you want to be before your parents made you study pharmacy?”.
Typical Student:
College: London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine
Nickname: *with a name like that, it doesn’t need one*
What a LSOHATM student will tell you: “I’m telling you, we’re a serious college!”.
What a LSOHATM student doesn’t want to hear: “No, really. You can’t be serious...”.
Typical Student:
College: Birkbeck
Nickname: London’s Retirement Home
What a Birkbeck student will tell you: “Education is wasted on the young”.
What a Birkbeck student doesn’t want to hear: “So do you get a student discount on top of your OAP bus pass?”.
Typical Students:
College: Royal Academy of Music
Nickname: Royal Academy of Poor Job Prospects
What a RAM student will tell you: “Academic subjects scare me”.
What a RAM student doesn’t want to hear: “So when’s your next trip to the job centre?”.
Typical Student:
College: Institute of Education
Nickname: Institute of Glorified Babysitters
What an IOE student will tell you: “I love children”.
What an IOE student doesn’t want to hear: “Have you ever heard the saying, ‘Those who can’t do....?’”.
Typical Student:
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