College Clichés

By Hemish Goodeal

So you’re now in one of the eight UoL intercollegiate halls. Do you know what the best and most unique thing is about these halls? The fact that we don’t have to cook for ourselves. Do you know what the second best part is? You get to live next to students from other colleges, some of which you never even knew existed....nor do they need to....

There are 31 colleges that make up the University of London. Once you trim off the fat, there’s about 10 colleges that you have probably heard about. Of these, only 4 of them are any good – you know who you are....

To feed your need for college prejudice, here’s a quick summary of 13 UoL colleges. Apologies if your college isn’t listed here – when your college eventually enters a league table, we’ll talk.


College: UCL
Nickname: Godless Scum of Gower Street
What a UCL student will tell you: “We beat Oxford in the 2009 World Rankings. Rah Rah Rah”.
What a UCL student doesn’t want to hear: “So, what Oxbridge college did you get rejected from?”
Typical Student:



College: King’s
Nickname: Strand Polytechnic
What a King’s student will tell you: “We’re not as nerdy as UCL, but at least we have fun”.
What a King’s student doesn’t want to hear: “So when did you find out UCL rejected you?”.
Typical students getting ready for a 9am lecture:



College: SOAS
Nickname: The Marxist Society
What a SOAS student will tell you: “I was gonna go to class, but then I got high”
What a SOAS student doesn’t want to hear: “You’ve been randomly selected for a drug screening...”
Typical Student:



College: LSE
Nickname: The London Stock Exchange
What an LSE student will tell you: “The Beatles were wrong; All you need is money”.
What an LSE student doesn’t want to hear: “So how much of your course is funded by Gaddafi?”
A Typical Lecture at LSE:



College: Imperial
Nickname: The Virgin Megastore
What an Imperial student will tell you: “So you’re in the University of London?” *Scoffs* “You repulse me”.
What an Imperial student doesn’t want to hear: “So what’s your male to female ratio?”.
Typical Student:



College: Royal Holloway
Nickname: The Surrey Cling-ons
What a Royal Holloway student will tell you: “At least our campus looks like Hogwarts...”.
What a Royal Holloway student doesn’t want to hear: “What are you doing in Central London? Are you lost?”.
Typical Student:




College: Queen Mary
Nickname: Eastenders
What a Queen Mary student will tell you: “League tables mean nothing anyway”.
What a Queen Mary student doesn’t want to hear: “You do know that you’re here to study right?”.
Typical Student:




College: Goldsmiths
Nickname: Who?
What a Goldsmiths student will tell you: *nothing insightful*
What a Goldsmiths student doesn’t want to hear: “What’s a Goldsmith?”.
Typical Student:




College: London School of Pharmacy
Nickname: London School of Pushy-Parents
What a London School of Pharmacy student will tell you: “I’m doing this to go into the family business”.
What a London School of Pharmacy student doesn’t want to hear: “So what did you want to be before your parents made you study pharmacy?”.
Typical Student:




College: London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine
Nickname: *with a name like that, it doesn’t need one*
What a LSOHATM student will tell you: “I’m telling you, we’re a serious college!”.
What a LSOHATM student doesn’t want to hear: “No, really. You can’t be serious...”.
Typical Student:



College: Birkbeck
Nickname: London’s Retirement Home
What a Birkbeck student will tell you: “Education is wasted on the young”.
What a Birkbeck student doesn’t want to hear: “So do you get a student discount on top of your OAP bus pass?”.
Typical Students:



College: Royal Academy of Music
Nickname: Royal Academy of Poor Job Prospects
What a RAM student will tell you: “Academic subjects scare me”.
What a RAM student doesn’t want to hear: “So when’s your next trip to the job centre?”.
Typical Student:



College: Institute of Education
Nickname: Institute of Glorified Babysitters
What an IOE student will tell you: “I love children”.
What an IOE student doesn’t want to hear: “Have you ever heard the saying, ‘Those who can’t do....?’”.
Typical Student:

You know you’re a student when...

(Lovingly copied and pasted off Facebook by Hemish. This is from one of those groups where you have to ‘like’ it first to see what innate thing it says – judging by the content, this was probably written by a Queen Mary’s student). LOL!

• You wake up and wonder where the hell you are.
• You live off 8p basics noodles from Sainsbury’s.
• You spend more time uploading and tagging pictures on Facebook than you did actually taking the pictures during the previous night out.
• The only post you get are either take-away menus or TV-license warning letters.
• You hate the other colleges, just because everyone else does.
• You are carried home after a night out by your nice new flatmates.
• You give up eating for a week just so you can afford to go out.
• You wake up and find bruises everywhere, but you're not quite sure how you managed to fall in those places.
• 4oD becomes your best friend because you cannot afford a TV or a license to watch a TV.
• Spontaneous nights out become every night.
• When your flatmate eats your food you consider it a crime.
• Your laptop breaking is like losing a member of your immediate family.
• Your 'five a day' consist of the grapes in the bottle of wine and the apples in the cans of cider.
• You realise that Facebook will ruin your degree. You realise Wikipedia will save it.
• A balanced diet means varying your takeaway choices.
• It’s socially acceptable to wear your pyjamas anywhere.
• You go out of your way to make friends who can cook.
• You expect to a find a trolley, etc in your bed if you’ve gone out and left your door unlocked.
• The word Google becomes a verb.
• An 11 o’clock lecture is “too early”.
• You think the floor above you are the noisiest people ever, but you don’t understand why the floor below you complain all the time.
• You say "I'm never going to drink again" at least once a week.
• Power naps become a way of life.
• You spend half an hour trying to work out if you should get the 20p cheaper toilet paper, then spend £5 a day on ‘hangover food’.
• “I’m not drinking a lot tonight” really means I’m getting absolutely hammered.
• No matter how broke you are, there is always enough money to get pissed.
• Eating a whole bag of crips as a substitute for dinner is acceptable.
• Takeaway deliver guys become your new best friend.
• 3 days go by before you realize you've not left the house or got dressed.
• You try and piece together what happened on a night out based on the texts you sent, the phone calls you made, and the photos that appear on Facebook.
• No matter how determined you are not to go out....someone will persuade you.
• You can't walk to anywhere without being molested by club and bar promo leaflets.
• You hear Sexy Bitch by David Guetta and Akon 5 times a night.
• You get annoying Facebook emails about the same club nights every week.
• Beans and pasta becomes your staple diet.
• Food that’s free always tastes better.
• You realise anything can be cooked in a microwave.
• You walk into your communal kitchen at 3 in the morning to get a snack because you can’t sleep and find all your friends there snacking.
• Checking your post HAS to be done daily.
• You are ridiculously excited when you have post.
• Spotify is running at least 16 hours a day.
• You complain that your course books are £30 quid then go out and spend the same amount in booze, if not more.
• You realise cheese is really, really really expensive.
• You wake up covered in pen and don’t know why.
• Deodorant becomes your new shower.
• Dinner after 7pm becomes late.
• You wash your clothes at 4 in the morning.