College Clichés

By Hemish Goodeal

So you’re now in one of the eight UoL intercollegiate halls. Do you know what the best and most unique thing is about these halls? The fact that we don’t have to cook for ourselves. Do you know what the second best part is? You get to live next to students from other colleges, some of which you never even knew existed....nor do they need to....

There are 31 colleges that make up the University of London. Once you trim off the fat, there’s about 10 colleges that you have probably heard about. Of these, only 4 of them are any good – you know who you are....

To feed your need for college prejudice, here’s a quick summary of 13 UoL colleges. Apologies if your college isn’t listed here – when your college eventually enters a league table, we’ll talk.


College: UCL
Nickname: Godless Scum of Gower Street
What a UCL student will tell you: “We beat Oxford in the 2009 World Rankings. Rah Rah Rah”.
What a UCL student doesn’t want to hear: “So, what Oxbridge college did you get rejected from?”
Typical Student:



College: King’s
Nickname: Strand Polytechnic
What a King’s student will tell you: “We’re not as nerdy as UCL, but at least we have fun”.
What a King’s student doesn’t want to hear: “So when did you find out UCL rejected you?”.
Typical students getting ready for a 9am lecture:



College: SOAS
Nickname: The Marxist Society
What a SOAS student will tell you: “I was gonna go to class, but then I got high”
What a SOAS student doesn’t want to hear: “You’ve been randomly selected for a drug screening...”
Typical Student:



College: LSE
Nickname: The London Stock Exchange
What an LSE student will tell you: “The Beatles were wrong; All you need is money”.
What an LSE student doesn’t want to hear: “So how much of your course is funded by Gaddafi?”
A Typical Lecture at LSE:



College: Imperial
Nickname: The Virgin Megastore
What an Imperial student will tell you: “So you’re in the University of London?” *Scoffs* “You repulse me”.
What an Imperial student doesn’t want to hear: “So what’s your male to female ratio?”.
Typical Student:



College: Royal Holloway
Nickname: The Surrey Cling-ons
What a Royal Holloway student will tell you: “At least our campus looks like Hogwarts...”.
What a Royal Holloway student doesn’t want to hear: “What are you doing in Central London? Are you lost?”.
Typical Student:




College: Queen Mary
Nickname: Eastenders
What a Queen Mary student will tell you: “League tables mean nothing anyway”.
What a Queen Mary student doesn’t want to hear: “You do know that you’re here to study right?”.
Typical Student:




College: Goldsmiths
Nickname: Who?
What a Goldsmiths student will tell you: *nothing insightful*
What a Goldsmiths student doesn’t want to hear: “What’s a Goldsmith?”.
Typical Student:




College: London School of Pharmacy
Nickname: London School of Pushy-Parents
What a London School of Pharmacy student will tell you: “I’m doing this to go into the family business”.
What a London School of Pharmacy student doesn’t want to hear: “So what did you want to be before your parents made you study pharmacy?”.
Typical Student:




College: London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine
Nickname: *with a name like that, it doesn’t need one*
What a LSOHATM student will tell you: “I’m telling you, we’re a serious college!”.
What a LSOHATM student doesn’t want to hear: “No, really. You can’t be serious...”.
Typical Student:



College: Birkbeck
Nickname: London’s Retirement Home
What a Birkbeck student will tell you: “Education is wasted on the young”.
What a Birkbeck student doesn’t want to hear: “So do you get a student discount on top of your OAP bus pass?”.
Typical Students:



College: Royal Academy of Music
Nickname: Royal Academy of Poor Job Prospects
What a RAM student will tell you: “Academic subjects scare me”.
What a RAM student doesn’t want to hear: “So when’s your next trip to the job centre?”.
Typical Student:



College: Institute of Education
Nickname: Institute of Glorified Babysitters
What an IOE student will tell you: “I love children”.
What an IOE student doesn’t want to hear: “Have you ever heard the saying, ‘Those who can’t do....?’”.
Typical Student:

You know you’re a student when...

(Lovingly copied and pasted off Facebook by Hemish. This is from one of those groups where you have to ‘like’ it first to see what innate thing it says – judging by the content, this was probably written by a Queen Mary’s student). LOL!

• You wake up and wonder where the hell you are.
• You live off 8p basics noodles from Sainsbury’s.
• You spend more time uploading and tagging pictures on Facebook than you did actually taking the pictures during the previous night out.
• The only post you get are either take-away menus or TV-license warning letters.
• You hate the other colleges, just because everyone else does.
• You are carried home after a night out by your nice new flatmates.
• You give up eating for a week just so you can afford to go out.
• You wake up and find bruises everywhere, but you're not quite sure how you managed to fall in those places.
• 4oD becomes your best friend because you cannot afford a TV or a license to watch a TV.
• Spontaneous nights out become every night.
• When your flatmate eats your food you consider it a crime.
• Your laptop breaking is like losing a member of your immediate family.
• Your 'five a day' consist of the grapes in the bottle of wine and the apples in the cans of cider.
• You realise that Facebook will ruin your degree. You realise Wikipedia will save it.
• A balanced diet means varying your takeaway choices.
• It’s socially acceptable to wear your pyjamas anywhere.
• You go out of your way to make friends who can cook.
• You expect to a find a trolley, etc in your bed if you’ve gone out and left your door unlocked.
• The word Google becomes a verb.
• An 11 o’clock lecture is “too early”.
• You think the floor above you are the noisiest people ever, but you don’t understand why the floor below you complain all the time.
• You say "I'm never going to drink again" at least once a week.
• Power naps become a way of life.
• You spend half an hour trying to work out if you should get the 20p cheaper toilet paper, then spend £5 a day on ‘hangover food’.
• “I’m not drinking a lot tonight” really means I’m getting absolutely hammered.
• No matter how broke you are, there is always enough money to get pissed.
• Eating a whole bag of crips as a substitute for dinner is acceptable.
• Takeaway deliver guys become your new best friend.
• 3 days go by before you realize you've not left the house or got dressed.
• You try and piece together what happened on a night out based on the texts you sent, the phone calls you made, and the photos that appear on Facebook.
• No matter how determined you are not to go out....someone will persuade you.
• You can't walk to anywhere without being molested by club and bar promo leaflets.
• You hear Sexy Bitch by David Guetta and Akon 5 times a night.
• You get annoying Facebook emails about the same club nights every week.
• Beans and pasta becomes your staple diet.
• Food that’s free always tastes better.
• You realise anything can be cooked in a microwave.
• You walk into your communal kitchen at 3 in the morning to get a snack because you can’t sleep and find all your friends there snacking.
• Checking your post HAS to be done daily.
• You are ridiculously excited when you have post.
• Spotify is running at least 16 hours a day.
• You complain that your course books are £30 quid then go out and spend the same amount in booze, if not more.
• You realise cheese is really, really really expensive.
• You wake up covered in pen and don’t know why.
• Deodorant becomes your new shower.
• Dinner after 7pm becomes late.
• You wash your clothes at 4 in the morning.

Our Scary Celebration in Video...

The Colored Museum Captivates with Humor and Simplicity - IH Theatre Review

By Alicia Bush

The Colored Museum, Talawa Theatre Company’s current production, was written as a series of vignettes to represent African-American history exhibits in a museum. Talawa has cleverly chosen the Victoria and Albert Museum as it’s playhouse for the historical satire. 

The set is a sparse collection of simple shipping crates that along with the audience become the cargo of “Celebrity Slaveship.”  At curtain’s rise, the audience is greeted by a sickeningly enthusiastic airline stewardess who reminds them “shackles must be worn at all times” and “earphones can be purchased for the price of your first-born male.”  The actors smoothly transition from scene to scene by emerging from each crate as an ensemble or solo exhibition that represents a turning point in history for African-American culture.  From a young Vietnam War soldier proclaiming his frustration over his involvement, to two wigs fighting for the attention of their owner as she prepares for the lunch where she will break up with her boyfriend, each scene delivers a scenario in which characters are encouraged to embrace the freedom and strength found within their culture. 

Each crate is used to its fullest capacity, creating levels for the actors to stand on and deliver their messages of empowerment and the realization that the past cannot be changed, but overcome.  Straightforward lighting illuminated each scene, giving the actors permission to pull focus to their themes and period costumes of afro wigs, war uniforms, and drag queen ensembles.  Through a brilliant combination of irreverent humor, sadness and irony, the playwright does not leave the racially diverse audience feeling at fault or to blame, but rather brings into focus how history has impacted a complex culture.

A strong cap to the story arc could have been an earlier scene of an African businessman throwing away the memorabilia of his youth.  As the play continues with three more vignettes, the audience is dragged along feeling spoon-fed themes they had already discovered in previous scenes.  The businessman is then confronted by his younger self questioning why he is throwing away what makes him unique as an African American man.  The playwright continued, for whatever reason, with two more scenes that left the production feeling longer than it needed to be.  The actors, however, easily keep the audience engaged, claiming each character with truth and enthusiasm. 

Talawa Theatre Company is Britain’s foremost Black-led Theatre Company that focuses on giving voice to the Black British experience, cultivating Black audiences and audiences for Black work.  The Colored Museum runs from 15-23 of October at the Lydia and Manfred Gorvy Lecture Theatre at the Victoria and Albert Museum.  Tickets are 6 pounds for students. 

Things you need to know about IH

By Hemish Goodeal

So, after not getting your first choice of accommodation, you’re now in International Hall. But don’t worry, you’ll soon learn that IH is actually pretty good and your ‘friends’ from other intercollegiate halls will become jealous as soon as they see your fancy Willy Wonka glass elevator.

For starters, IH is officially the second biggest student accommodation in London. The winner is actually some random private hall that you could only afford if you still refer to your father as “daddy”.

According to my friend, Wikipedia, IH was refurbished in 2003 and this explains all the glass. Every room has a shiny, not-yet-discoloured desk, wardrobe and shelf, and as soon as you see your friend’s room from other halls, you’ll be grateful.

There are approximately over 800 residents every year. 800! That’s enough people to occupy Heythrop College in Kensington, with 100 left to spare. But then again, who would want to study at Heythrop? Of your 799 neighbours, half of them will be international students (hence the name), and the other half will be home students. Unlike other halls, there is a healthy mix of yuppy undergrads, postgrads and residents with families.
The hall has a few ‘wings’, each with their own unique characteristic and smell:

• North Wing: The main wing to see undergrads getting ready to go out instead of doing their assignments.
• West Wing: Basically, the same as the North Wing, but each floor is assigned to a specific gender. You can genuinely tell which floor you are on according to the smell. Female: Sweet. Male: Sweat.
• Central Wing: The newest wing of the hall, this wing consists mainly of posh ‘studio flats’ with, get this, their own toilet – why even bother venturing outside? The main demographic consists of hardworking postgrads with their own kitchens, so expect an eerie silence and strange smell when navigating these parts.
• The Lansdowne Flats: These are the Georgian buildings you see from the outside of IH. These flats are huge and are some of the swarviest houses to be considered ‘student accommodation’. These flats house some of the younger residents of IH, as students and their families reside here.

Unless you’re expecting a Michelin star canteen, the food here is pretty good. If you ever disagree with me, just be grateful that I’m not the one cooking for you. Surprisingly, some of the best conversations you’ll have this year will be with the canteen staff.

Settling In

Congratulations – you are now a student. For many, this means that you can write a thesis on Van Der Waals Forces, but you wouldn’t know how to boil an egg.

In order for your mummy to call you every other day, why not give her your new phone number? Go down to reception, tell them your room number, and they’ll give you 4 digits in return.

Add these four digits to the following, and this is your new home phone number: (+44) 020 7822 XXXX

More importantly, if you need to keep in contact with Amazon.co.uk, here is your new postal address:

Name
Room Number
International Hall
Lansdowne Terrace
LONDON
WC1N 1AS

Etiquette 

To help you settle into the life of IH, here are a few unwritten rules/tips that you may like to know before it’s too late...

• You can’t really hear other people talking in the room next to you, but...
• You can hear every detail when the bed starts knocking against the wall.
• Everyone can hear you if you talk in the corridors.
•  It is acceptable to walk to and from the communal bathrooms in your towel.
• Do not stop and talk to someone if they are only wearing a towel.
• When queuing up in the canteen during ‘rush hour’, always get in the queue that starts next to the soup thing, even if you’re not getting soup. Don’t try and skip this queue and go straight for the main course – this will start another queue and all hell will break lose.
• When queuing up for your drink, make sure you have your cup/mug ready first – don’t use your tray to ‘save your space’ as this will sooner or later cause a messy pile-up.
•  It is sometimes really difficult for the turnstiles to read your card – you will experience this problem. The barcode always faces reception, and scan the entire length of your card slowly. If this fails after 3 attempts, let the person behind you go ahead and see reception.
• Don’t leave your bin out in the corridor. If everyone else can manage keeping it in their room, then so can you.
• Don’t be a scab and steal from the fridge. What would your proud mother say if she knew that her precious, perfect and oh-so-clever child was stealing someone else’s cheese? She’d say, “wow, my child’s a real scab”.
• If you’re getting fed up of paying the £1.50 overnight guest fee, just do what I do and get your guest to pay...maybe that’s why I never got a girlfriend last year? Either way, £1.50 for a room in Central London is a bargain to guests.
• Don’t leave your filthy canteen trays in the communal kitchens – you’re not even meant to take them out of the canteen. Instead, take down your own crockery and stink up your room as much as you like.

The IH Comic Strip

Introduction to all what's been and is coming

Welcome one and all to International Hall – the largest, most populous and ‘glassiest’ hall of residence this side of the M25.
For the next 9 months, you are the proud owner of a WC1 postcode – so you better make the most of it before you move to a borough that hosted the 2011 riot olympics. To help you do this, your IH Club (or more accurately, the guy who had nothing else to do over Summer) has ‘lovingly’ compiled a guide to help you comprehend communal toilet etiquette, inform you of what time the so-called 24 hour Tescos stops serving hooch, and how to handle a conversation with a SOAS student.

On behalf of the IH Club, welcome to your new home.

Hemish Goodeal
IH Club Vice President 

Meet the Club

Against your will, you are now a member of the IH Club. Welcome! The Club is run by residents who either a) have nothing else to do or b) really need to buff up their CV.

But seriously, your Club is here to ensure that the hall does not feel like some crummy long-term Travelodge. We do this by organising parties, subsidised outings, sport events/tournaments, film screenings and informal gatherings on your behalf. Last year, on the recommendation of residents, we held a ‘free pizza party’ as well as a ‘free unlimited ice cream’ day (I guess last year’s residents were just really hungry).

In fact, if you have any idea/plan that you want to take hall-wide, let us know by using the suggestion box above the pigeon holes. Any suggestion will be considered as long as it will enhance the ‘social side’ of bringing residents together.

According to outdated tradition, the IH Club organises the following events every year:

• A beach-themed welcome party.
• A Halloween party.
• Decorating the IH Christmas tree, accompanied by mulled wine and mince pies for all who help
• A Christmas party featuring a guest appearance from Santa, sometimes held on the same night as the eagerly anticipated Christmas dinner.
• A Valentine’s party for the benefit of trying to get Harry a girlfriend.
• A boat party on the Thames for the main party of the IH year.
• A ‘farewell’ Summer BBQ in our delightful gardens.

The first few weeks of Freshers are the easiest times to mingle with fellow residents (despite repeating your name, college and course 700 times). During this time, the IH Club will be hosting these ‘thrilling’ events:

• Welcome Gathering 1: Sunday 18^th September (Main KCL moving in day), 7-9pm, Common Room – Need something else to do besides locking yourself in your room and crying yourself to sleep like I did last year? Then bring yourself (and more importantly your hooch) to the common room and meet your neighbours. The IH Club will be standing around awkwardly, providing you with all the free snacks, small talk and soft drinks you can handle.
• Welcome Gathering 2: Wednesday 21^st September, 7-9pm, Common Room - same as above.
• Welcome Gathering 3: Sunday 25^th September (Main UCL moving in day), 7-9pm, Common Room - same as above again.
• Welcome Gathering 4: Wednesday 28^th September, 7-9pm, Common Room - it’s getting repetitive now.
• The IH Beach Party: Friday 30^th September, 8pm onwards, Common Room – Don the swimming wear you brought but won’t wear again and join us for the first IH party of the year. Live DJ, a very-heavily subsidised bar, and prizes for the best dressed residents!
• The IH Annual Bloomsbury Treasure Hunt: Saturday 1^st October, 1:30pm onwards, starting in the Common Room – It’s not a literal treasure hunt, but you will be split into groups, given a map plus a set of clues and sent off into the world...of Bloomsbury. The clues will take you to a variety of spots within walking distance, and you must photograph your entire group to prove you have visited each clue. Here’s the catch: Extra points will be awarded to how well each group creatively and imaginatively poses for each photo. Plenty of prizes to be won.
• The ‘Freshers’ Quiz of Bel Air’: Sunday 2^nd October, 8pm onwards, Common Room – Okay, it’s essentially a ‘pub quiz’ and dosn’t really have much to do with the Fresh Prince, but you try and come up with a cheesier name. Anyway, this isn’t just any bog standard lager-lout quiz about Coronation Street. We’ve thrown in countless ‘picture-rounds’, ‘music-rounds’, ‘pictures of music video-rounds’, a ‘how well do you know London-round’ and a somewhat self-obsessed ‘University of London-round’. Basically, this quiz gets rid of the usual inane questions, and replaces them with.....slightly more relevant inane questions.....either way, they’ll be prizes for the winning team, the runners-up and the embarrassing loser. Teams will be sorted on the night and guests are welcome.
• The Postgrad Speed Meetings: 3 of them just like in Speed Dating, but without the dating, meeting random postgrads at IH who might be your friends.
• And the Postgrads Pizza Night: A crazy night to gather in the common room for postgrads, have you discovered it yet?
• Oh and there is bound to be every year a super Karaoke party for ALL!

Along with the help of the Senior Members, we also organise the following events. Even though you can’t miss them, keep an eye on the posters for upcoming events:

• The IH Cinema: Every Wednesday and Sunday in the IH Cinema. That’s right, you have a cinema in your basement. How often do you get to say that? Obviously, we don’t show films currently in the cinema - that would be illegal. But our cinema conveners go out of their way to ensure that we get the latest releases as soon as humanly possible, as well as showing films that you suggest to us. All films are obtained from a huge online library, so if you fancy watching a geeky Star Wars marathon or want to revert back to childhood and watch a few Disney films, just let our cinema conveners know!
• Book, Cook and News: the IH Discussion Group: Every Saturday at 10am in the Conservatory, starting on the 8th October. Come and chat about a short article, recipe or world news each week over biscuits (and the occasional waffle). Bring a cup of tea and don’t be shy – we are always happy to see new faces and postgraduate students are especially welcome.
• Yoga: Held weekly in the basement. Give your mind and body a rest from studying with weekly yoga sessions hosted by a trained instructor. All our welcome and you can drop in at any time. Keep an eye out for posters for more information.
• IH Various Sports: With 800 residents from all corners of the world, we could throw our own Olympics if we wanted to! But there’s not enough space in Brunswick Square, so instead, we organise formal tournaments and clubs using our squash court and table tennis...table. Our sports convener will also organise a variety of outdoor sporting events throughout the year, so again, keep an eye on posters for more information.
• London Outings: I dare you to try and run out of things to do in London. I dare you. The city has a lot to offer, but do you know what’s better than outings in London? DISCOUNTED outings in London. In the past we have gone botanical at Kew Gardens, walked along the steps of Harry Potter, fallen over at the Somerset House ice rink and cried at a few West-End productions. All subsidised by International Hall. Keep an eye out for posters for more information.
• Postgrad Dinners: Every months postgrad dinners are hosted in the conservatory, each one exploring a different cuisine of one of the many nationalities that make up International Hall. Please look out for the posters for more information.
• Family Parties: Throughout the year, a variety of parties will be held for families with special treats for the kids.
• The IH Times: Always first with the news, or equally happy resorting to cheap jokes, the IH Times aims to bring residents the best International Hall can offer. It has been a pillar of International Hall society since it was founded in 1989 and is today published at least monthly - or whenever the editors can be bothered to spend all night making stuff up. This high quality paper is available for free at reception. Unless the editors have angered the Bursar in which case it's available near reception. A full archive of issues from 2003 onwards is on display in the lower ground floor of IH or available on the International Hall website.

Like everything else these days, the best place to perv on what events are going on is to check out Facebook. When you get bored of stalking your ex, just join the ‘International Hall 2011-2012 (Offical)’ group.

IH Fresher's Quiz

We recently had our IH fresher's Quiz at the Common Room. Students spent well over 3 hours answering strange general knowledge questions to get awesome prizes, from a bottle of champagne to boxes of chocolates and always handy noodle soups.
Rebecca Black was object of great deal of attention and criticism, with many questions based around her single Friday.

The question that surprised students was: Which is the most employable degree at the moment?
Everyone got the answer wrong, not imagining the correct response was "Dentistry". Apparently, the English are in very bad need of people who can get their smiles white and beautiful as their American counterparts.

First Place and Winners were the group "Why is my poop green?"
The Second Place went to the team "Creamily Erotic, deliciously fluffy goo machine".
And we had a joint third place shared by "Harold Macmillan and the post quiz consensus", along with "Team Ace's Angels".

All of above teams won a bottle of booze (either champagne or Malibu) and a box of nice chocolates.

The losing team, "Violet and friends"got the noodles.

The 'funniest team name' was "We will pay £5 to win the name prize team". They will receive their 5 quid the 28th of Oct at the IH (as the Club ran out of prizes due to our unexpected joint winners in the 3rd place).

Start preparing for the next quiz adventure, IH folk!

Here you have the crowd about to get started

Undergrads are really happy at IH socializing in the quiz.

Soon the room became packed!

And then it was time to form the teams

Everyone bonding over team names, cool!

Wow, look at the concentration of these guys!

The debate on the right answers was hot

What is it going to be?

Looking doubtful, hard choices

At a full steam

We have no clue, what do we do?

The grand prizes

Tic, tac, tic, tac - Answering against the clock

The photographer (Russell) gets some attention

Look at the purple shoes, they were not kidding

The hosts of the evening

So, much fun, even the marking was thrilling

Incredible amount of people

International Hall Beach Party 30th September

Are you a fresher? Are you living in International Hall? If not then you have been missing out on the greatest hall experience you can have. True to its tradition, the International Hall organised a killer beach party on 30th September 2011, where all residents brought their glasses, bikinis and their summer clothes for one night of crazy fun! Not only were there beach babes, hot hunks, crazy dance moves and awesome DJ music, but also alcohol was sold at the IH bar at a ridiculous cheap price!

The International Hall has proved once again that it is not only the best place to live, study, socialize but also the best place to party and have fun! Don't miss out the future parties coming up, check the IH Calendar of events for those.

Alcohol at the bar

And some more drinks

DJ equipment

ALOHA! Welcome to the Beach Party!

Drinks served from the IH Bar!

Can I have some drinks?

Crazy dance moves :p

We are just starting to party!

IH is just the best isn't it?

Getting ready before we hit the dance floor

Hit it baby!

Yes! I am a Seagull!

We will just chill outside for a bit

We are having lots of drinks and lots of fun!

Who wants to dance more?

Looking pretty for the camera.....

Shades are just too cool around midnight...

We need some more bottles

We wanna dance the whole night!

Dance dance dance!

Everyone wants a picture with the seagull